Coping
by Buttamellow
Summary: Hermione's perspective on Harry dying. Very AU
1. Chapter 1

**Coping**

Chapter 1: He's Gone

_Buttamellow_

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

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I sit here trying to find the words to express what I'm truly feeling at this moment. I've sat in the same spot with my quill to the parchment for the past few hours. The ink has left stains on the parchment that I haven't the heart to get rid of. Those stains are there due to my inability to express how deeply...I still can't find the words to express it. 

Part of me wants to lash out at Dumbledore for even expressing such a ludicrous statement. That part of me wants to curse him, to scratch out his eyes, to yell and scream and cry at the stupid old man for making such a terrible lie. Another part of me is still in shock. It's difficult for me to actually accept the fact that my best friend might truly be...

It's so hard to believe. He's invincible isn't he? He made it through so many different obstacles and fought so valiantly and overcame everything so many different times. It's impossible. He can't truly be gone. He just...well, he can't. I refuse to believe it.

But then there's the rational part of me that always has to step in. The part that reminds me that Dumbledore cared for him too. Dumbledore was and is...well, Dumbledore and he wouldn't lie about something as serious and hurtful as that. He just wouldn't.

That's the part of me that hurts the most. It's the part that has made it difficult for me to actually express what I'm truly feeling. I've locked myself into this room, not allowing people to see me. I fled from the entrance hall as soon as the words left Dumbledore's lips. I couldn't even look at Ron.

So, here I am still sitting here trying to figure out a way to unleash my feelings.

Do you think I'm crying right now? I'm not. I think I've forgotten how to cry. And I want to so...so much.

Crying would almost be more comforting than not feeling anything. I can't feel. I can't...I can't cry. I can't...

Merlin, how I wish I could see him. It's funny. I remember the first day I met him. There he was sitting in that compartment with Ron. It was undeniable who he was. I had been reading about the Wizarding World all summer and of course he was in several of the history books. For some reason I had expected him to be smug and arrogant like Draco Malfoy, yet he had shied away from all of the popularity.

Who knew that he would end up being one of the few people I could truly trust? And now...well, now he's gone. Look, I keep referring to him as "he" instead of writing his name. I almost feel as if I write his name on this piece of parchment it will make it totally irrevocable. It will be written in stone. He will truly be lost forever.

I don't know how long I've been in here. People have been at the door trying to get in for sometime. I refuse to let them come in and comfort me. I don't need their pity. I don't need their sympathetic faces or their sad eyes.

I need my friend back!

_Oh Harry_. Why did you have to die? Why did you…why did you have to go? You were one of the few people here who actually paid any attention to me. One of the few people who actually cared. One of my only friends.

Merlin, I've finally started crying. It hurts so bad. Why did he have to _die_?

I feel so…_alone_.

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**A/N: **Very AU, I know. Just felt like posting it. Let me know what you think. There are a few more entries. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Coping**

Chapter 2: Lost

_Buttamellow_

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

I left the room sometime this morning. I could hear the hushed whispers and feel the sympathetic stares as people passed by. Several people tried to claim my attention on more than one occasion but I hadn't the heart to look at them, let alone reply. I knew my appearance was only causing more of a commotion considering I hadn't changed from the outfit I had been wearing at the Opening Feast. I knew without looking at my appearance that my eyes were swollen and red and my hair was an awful mess. More so than usual.

Only a handful of people can truly understand how I feel and, at the moment, I can't bear the thought of seeing them. I especially don't want to see Ron. He would only serve as a reminder that the "Golden Trio" was no more.

We were broken.

I was torn between thousands of emotions today. I felt as though I was on an emotional rollercoaster that just kept dropping. Just as I thought I had reached a plateau I quickly felt myself rushing down another slope.

I'm so angry, so hurt, so sad, so scared, so defeated, so...alone. So...empty.

And everyone seems so _sorry_. So upset. So hurt.

It's funny. These are the same people who thought that Harry was crazy and dangerous during fifth year, the same ones who continued to avoid him during the last. The same people who shunned, glared, whispered and told lies about him.

What _hypocrites_!

I couldn't bear to be in the same room with them. They were suffocating me. It was hard to breathe. I couldn't bear their overdramatic sympathy and their false looks. I hated them all.

They didn't truly know what it was like to lose your best friend. They had never cared for him. They only "cared" about him when it was convenient for _them_. Just when things were starting to get tough and Harry needed them the most, they would flee from him.

I can hear them calling my name but I don't want to talk to them. I don't need their pity. I don't want to see their empty pain or hear their lies about how sorry they are.

Sometimes, my thoughts drift towards Ron against my will. I wonder how he's coping. If he feels the same way I do. I wonder if he has truly even accepted the fact that Harry is gone. That our best friend...

Oh gosh. I'll never see him again. No matter how many times I tell myself, it still cuts me deeper each time I remember.

Did you know it rained today? It was almost as if the heavens were crying for our loss. I'm not sure how, but I found myself walking around the pond, the rain soaking my clothes. I stayed out there for hours just sitting and walking and...and thinking.

I didn't have the heart to cast a warming spell on myself. I needed the cold. I needed the pain. It was so much better than having to feel the hurt.

My thoughts have been shattered all day. I can't seem to stick to a certain thought. For the first time in...probably forever I don't want to read or study or go to class. I don't want to do anything. How can I do these things when Harry won't be able to do them again?

Although I keep telling myself that I don't want to see Ron, I really do. I just need him beside me so I know that everything will be alright. He's the only one that can truly understand. I just...I...

I'm so lost.

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**A/N: **Again, very AU. Just as a reminder. More to come. :) Hope you like it. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Coping**

Chapter 3: Invisible

_Buttamellow_

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

Voices have been surrounding me but I can't seem to see any faces. Not that I want to. Well, not really. There have been pitiful excuses for people crowding the hallways, openly expressing their sorrow and pain at their loss of a "hero". Each time I hear another one sadly whisper Harry's name I feel my fists clench. I've never been a violent person and so I have been surprised at the rage building up in me as the days pass by. These...these _imbeciles_ who will tell their sorrow to any halfwit who'll listen.

I've been spending my time roaming around deserted hallways and desolate grounds. I think I've almost managed the task of becoming invisible. I wonder if anyone has even realized that I'm gone.

I haven't seen Ron anywhere. I guess he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I wouldn't be surprised. I've always had that nagging voice at the back of my mind that constantly tells me that the only reason why Ron associated with me in the first place was because of Harry. And now...well, now Harry's gone. Why would he want anything to do with a nosey bookworm?

I still remember. I still remember what he said first year. I still remember the words.

_"It's no wonder no one can stand her, she's a nightmare, honestly...She must've noticed she has no friends."_

No friends. No…friends. I- I have no friends. Harry's gone and Ron's avoiding me. Or I'm avoiding him. Or something.

How could I not have noticed? How could I not have realized that he didn't care? How could I not have understood that I was only on the sidelines? Oh gosh, I've lost Harry and now Ron doesn't want anything to do with me. I should've known that this would happen. Now...now that Harry's gone I've gone back to having no friends.

I'm so alone.

Why did this have to happen?


	4. Chapter 4

**Coping**

Chapter 4: Free

_Buttamellow_

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

I finally saw Ron the other day. It was so…awkward. It's almost as though he's too lost, too confused to actually accept the fact that Harry's gone. He denied it. Said it was all a lie. Said that Harry would show up and say that it was all a mistake, all a farce and that life would go on again. That we would be happy again and everything would be fine. I…wish. Oh, how I wish.

But, it isn't true. It…it isn't. And it doesn't help to go on believing in something that isn't true. We…we have to accept it. We have to…to quit playing games. I told Ron. I told him that he had to stop. He couldn't keep…it didn't help…it wasn't…he had to stop. Stop believing in something that would never come true. Harry was gone. He was gone and we had to…

I broke. I had to leave. I couldn't stand there with him any longer. I couldn't stand there and listen to him. I couldn't see the determined hope on his face. The…the...

Choking on a breath of air, I turned around. I don't know. I guess part of me hoped that he would, he'd grab me and hug me and tell me that it'd be okay. Part of me wanted him to…care. I paused. I waited for a moment before beginning to walk off.

And he never called.

I'm not sure if Ron even notices that I'm there sometimes. It seems that the only time he truly pays attention to me is when I'm either extremely emotional or correcting him- which he hates. Harry was always the one who kept us together.

I still haven't come to grips with everything yet. It's so difficult to when I am still unwilling to fully accept it as truth. I've always been level headed and reasonable. I've always known the difference between fact and opinion, true or false, wrong and right. Why can't I come to a valid answer for this?

I haven't seen Ginny around anywhere either. I wonder how she's taking all of this. She and Harry were…

But, I just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't see the use in it. Studying seems like such a waste of time. So, I wander the halls aimlessly hoping that eventually I'll get lost. That I'll find a way back to the past. That I'll find Harry and he'll be standing opposite me with that look on his face.

Merlin! It's just not fair! He was only seventeen years old! He'd never gotten to have a real chance at life. Why, oh why, was it taken away from him? He who deserved it most of all!

I knew something astronomical was going to happen this year, I could just feel it. But, I didn't expect it to be this.

My only consolation is that he can finally be happy. Be free. Be with the family he never knew and the godfather he missed so dearly. Maybe he's in a better place now.

Maybe he's free.


	5. Chapter 5

**Coping**

Chapter 5: Awkward Again

_Buttamellow_

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

They say that there are five stages of grief. Five stages. It seems like hardly anything when compared to the multitude of feelings I'm feeling at this moment. Five doesn't cover it. And- Is it possible to experience them all at once? Is that normal?

The first stage is denial. Ron is stuck in that stage. He always did have trouble with staying on task and moving on. With accepting the truth. I understand that it is difficult to accept the fact that Harry is gone. But…there's no way he could be alive, right?

The next stage is anger. The type of anger that is so overwhelming, so consuming, so painful that you don't know how to handle it. It takes over and eats away at you until it becomes so much a part of you that you can't distinguish it.

Anger is followed by bargaining. When you bargain, you will try and do anything to get that person back. Begging, pleading, questioning, rationalizing. Because, the truth is, all you want is for that person to return.

Once you realize that the person is truly gone and will never return, you slowly slip into the stage of depression. I think that stage is the hardest of all. You cry. You hate yourself. You hate that person. You grieve. Grieving can be so hard.

Finally after sometime you hit acceptance.

I don't know but I feel as though I always seem to mess up the stages. For some reason I'm experiencing four of them at the same time. Depression, obviously. And anger. I'm so angry that I can hardly even stand it. Denial. I think I'm almost passed that stage. But, what if…what if Harry was hiding somewhere? What if they hid him in order to make Voldemort _think _that Harry was dead, but he really is alive? What if…

Now I'm doing it again.

I'm just beginning the stage of bargaining. It's just so hard. So very, very, very hard.

So, I've been roaming around the halls more than usual. Before I even know it, I end up in front of some place where Harry, Ron and I spent a lot. Yesterday, for instance, I was walking along and suddenly I was standing on the third floor in front of the room where we first met Fluffy.

It was so...I know I keep saying this but...hard to see. I felt my breath hitch in my throat and my eyes begin to water against my will. I began to back up in a desperate attempt to get away when I suddenly bumped into Blaise Zabini. I've never liked him and of course the prat had to be absolutely rude about it.

I began to walk off, scolding myself for forgetting my wand, when he called out for me. Turning around agitatedly, I looked at him questioningly. It seems that even those people you decidedly dislike can surprise you from time to time. He said, "I'm sorry for your loss." Or something along those lines. I stood there in shock for a moment. It was the first time that someone hadn't tried to sympathize with me. The first time that I didn't hear someone whining about the fact that the Harry they never knew was dead. The first time that...I don't know. Someone other than Ron understood.

If anything, I learned two things from that confrontation. The first being to never, ever, ever, _ever_ forget my wand. I honestly can't believe how stupid I was. The second being that people can amaze and shock you from time to time. I should have known that a long time ago.

As I said, though, my feelings are all misplaced. I seem to be muddling the steps of grieving. As with everything else, I'm being strange. When silence permeated the classrooms, I was always the one to raise my hand and answer the question. I'm a girl among men. A bushy-haired know-it-all that constantly messes things up. I've always been out of place wherever I go.

Maybe one of these days I won't be so awkward. So different. So...what did Ron say all those years ago?

_Annoying._


	6. Chapter 6

**Coping**

Chapter 6: Time Heals All Wounds

_Buttamellow_

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, Warner Brothers, and its various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

They say time heals all wounds. Well, they're all liars. They just need to take their stupid tomes and beat themselves over the head with them because the people who write those stupid proverbs obviously have _no_ idea what they are talking about!

Time does _not_ heal all wounds. Stupid idiots. Twits. Incompetent fools. Imbeciles. I could go on for ages.

One should actually say that time just _causes_ wounds to fester and become more painful. It is as though says..."Oh look, you have a wound. How about I pour this nice lemon juice on it? I'll add a bit more each day so that eventually you'll be so consumed in it, you won't be able to concentrate on anything else."

I have honestly started to give up all hope on mankind. On Wizarding-kind at that.

I think it's time for me to find out what truly happened to Harry. They have to tell me. I will _not_ take no for an answer. Harry was my best friend and I need to know. I need to know what happened to him. I don't want to hear, "Well Miss Granger, it's actually classified."

I don't care! Harry was my friend! One of my only friends at that and I will be damned if someone doesn't tell me what is going on.

Oh look, now I've started cursing. Mother isn't going to be pleased at all. Oh well.

Certain times call for certain measures. And my measure of patience has gone way over the top. I think I'm falling apart.

I will not cry again. I need to eat something. I need to...well, I need to find something that makes me happy.

The problem, though, is that right now...nothing does.


End file.
